It's Sunbathe O'Clock!

I've discovered something fabulous about the top room in our house. At this time of year, between three and four o'clock in the afternoon, one can lie down on the carpet and sunbathe completely nude with the windows wide open. There is no one overlooking so this can be done in complete privacy. Also the time is perfect as lunch will be fully digested by three, reducing any fears of contracting cramp.

Unfortunately I gave up sunbathing eleven months when I realised sun cream had gone up 70% since I first used it in the 70s, but at least I can use it as a unique selling point when we move:

THREE BEDROOM COTTAGE WITH ORIGINAL FEATURES AND SECLUDED FULL BODY LENGTH INDOOR SUNBATHING SPOT, BETWEEN 3PM AND 4PM IN LATE MAY/EARLY JUNE. 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Because 'the road' was the correct answer in the chicken's multiple choice quiz question: 'What specific type of surface have humans forever been curious of chickens travelling over?' 

The Suntrap

My good friends Martin and Jessica Formaldehyde mentioned to me the other day that they had a real suntrap in their back garden. Being the curious type I went over to visit them today to check it out. I have to say I was most horrified to discover a huge iron cage in their back garden imprisoning the sun.
'But why have you caught the sun?' I asked.
'It's vermin,' Martin replied 'kills our chickens if it gets too hot.'
'You haven't got any chickens' I countered.
'Hypothetical chickens we have.'
'But think of all the good the sun does – growing vegetables, suntans, ice cream sales?'
Jessica turned to Martin, 'I suppose we have only got hypothetical chickens. Shall we let it go Martin?'
'Maybe he's right – go and get the key Jessica. Anyway, have we ever told you about the moonshine we keep in the cellar?'

FIRED EARTH SALE ON NOW(ISH)!

Fired Earth have a sale on. The next two weeks. 75% on some lines (I didn't realise they sold cocaine). I am willing to advertise this today on my mass-read blog. The fact that I'm usually about four months behind with my blog, and will probably actually post this in October is by the by.

If someone from Fired Earth wishes to get in touch we could discuss the possibility of sponsorship of this site, and perhaps a supermarket style sweep of your shop in return for this free advertising. Usual channels please.

Sale on!

Doesn't May Fly Past?

A mayfly is born in May. It flies about for a day and dies. Within that day it has relations with another mayfly. The impregnated mayfly then lives for exactly 12 months and dies when it gives birth, exactly 12 months later, to another mayfly, which either impregnates and dies or is impregnated and lives for another 12 months.

The lesson of this, if you are to come back as a Mayfly, is to try and resist the almighty urge to impregnate another mayfly and, instead, get up the duff yourself as quickly as you can. You won't be able to drink, smoke or eat soft cheese and prawns for your entire life but at least you'll experience a Pancake Day and, if you're lucky, a Royal wedding.