Atrocious Interview On The Central Line

On the tube from Paddington to Oxford Circus. A girl opposite is interviewing people on the tube about what they are doing. I'm writing my Friday blog into my notepad. I hope she approaches me and asks what I'm doing. Be great publicity for the cause. She does approach me and sits next to me on a pile of Metro newspapers.

GIRL: "May I interview you for a project I'm doing on tubes."
ME: "Sure. Take a seat. Oh, you already have."
GIRL(holding recording between us): "What are you writing about?"
ME: "Don't we need to do a mike check?"
GIRL: "Oh no, it's fine"
ME: "Sure?"
GIRL: "Yes sure. So, what are you writing?"
ME: "Oh, I'm writing my blog. I don't work Fridays and I write about what I do and put it all over the Internet. Sharing it with the world and spreading the word of the three day weekend."
GIRL: "How many people read it?"
ME: "Four."
GIRL: "What's the website address."
ME: "Can i give it a plug?"
GIRL: "Sure go for it?"
ME: "Oh I've forgotten (long pause). Blog spotter or something. Liberating Fridays at Blog spotter. Something like that. I can't remember it. Damn!"
GIRL: "Nevermind. A few more questions?""
ME: "Sure."
GIRL: "What's your favourite tube line?"
ME: "Not sure. Oh wait."
GIRL: "Yes?"
ME: "Ummm"
GIRL: "Yes?"
ME: "Oh, got it - Bakerloo!"
GIRL: "Why Bakerloo?"
ME: "I don't know."
GIRL: "What's your best and worst experience of taking the tube."
ME: "Haven't got either really. Just average experiences."
GIRL: "What colour do you think of when you think about the tube?"
ME: "None. No colour."
GIRL: "If there was an accident would you help people?"
ME: "Can I get back to you on that one?"
GIRL: "What song does the tube make you think of?"
ME: "I don't know."
GIRL: "Why not?"
ME: "I don't know."
GIRL: "Well, thanks for your time. Really interesting meeting you. Must dash. Bye."

I'm So Digging This!

Here I go again. The annual dig'n'weed signalling another year of growing food out of shit. I don't really do it for the food. The food is a bonus. In fact I recall one year (2007) when I produced nilch produce, bar the odd spinach leaf and monster marrow. I only sulked for a few minutes before heading for the Co-op. 

I do it for the craic (no that isn't an Irish vegetable). To be out there getting high on nature.

To watch a bead of my sweat fall on a wriggling worm. 

The excitement of the first sprouts sprouting. 

Watching a Jackdaw eyeing up my salad leaves. 

Taking off my top in the heat of hoeing and being wolf-whistled by spectating hares. 

Watering strawberry plants and noticing a breed of spider I'd never seen before scurrying away to dry land. 

Smiling about a friends comment about Mormons from the night before. 

Standing with my allotment neighbour and discussing what's growing well and what's not before one of us looks down to the floor and says "Well, best get on then." 

Getting frustrated looking for the rake and suspecting theft. 

Getting horseshit all over your hands and not giving a shit. 

Making a phone call to O2 customer services about problems with picture messaging whilst enviously gazing at someone else's leeks.

I Don't Fancy Chores Much

People like making lists. People fill a lot of their spare time with list-related activity. We are the 'Things to do' society. 

"Heavens, we've a whole day free, we must make use of it. Quickly Janice, find the Moleskine notepad and let's embark on penning a list of chores."

I try to avoid chores on a Friday. In fact I try and avoid chores full stop. 'Chores' - horrible word. Negative. Rhymes with sores, bores, whores, The Corrs, flaws, clause, wars, laws, muted applause, eaten by Jaws. Not nice. Of course you can sex chores up a bit by simultaneously playing Rackmaninov at full blast, or injecting heroin but it's still a chore.

'Pottering' is a bit better. It suggests a lighter, less ordered way of dealing with the humdrum. Like a chaffinch singing quietly to itself whilst skipping around on a lawn occasionally headbutting an acorn in the direction of it's nest. Pottering suggests long breaks from the days tasks. Sitting outside in the sun with a cup of tea and a brochure from a lawn-laying company you've got no interest in ever using.

But even better than 'pottering' I like the idea of 'absorption'. Absorption is the idea of letting distracting thoughts get the better of you and spontaneously absorbing them into your day. For instance, you could start the day with the plan of arranging your gas bills into a neat pile but distracted by a new tune going round your head you pick up the guitar and spend an hour working out the chord changes. You then notice a cobweb that needs removing. Whilst removing the cobweb you remember a link Jason King sent you of a kangaroo being sick on YouTube so you sit down to enjoy that... and so on.

Today I 'absorbed'. Evening falls and I receive a call from Page.
"What did you do today Adrian?"
"Well I started the day trying to change my Internet provider and ended it being arrested after rioting at a 'Ban PE from Schools march' in Peckham.
"Talk Talk?"
"Nah, I'm giving BT another go."

Consequence Man Versus Coincidence Woman

I'm enchanted by the photograph in front of me. It's entitled 'House in the woods', a composite of six photographs - woodland creatures hanging out in the same derelict house at dusk.

Lions, whales and humped-backed she-wolves normally take pride of place in Wildlife photography but for me the half silhouette of a squirrel on a window sill, looking out to see if he's dad's arrived yet with the Friday night fish'n'chips does it for me. However, I'm slightly distracted by Consequence Man.

Consequence Man is the curator at Oxford Science Museum. He manages to shoehorn consequences into all his conversations. "Oh sorry Sir, we don't normally give receipts because people would just chuck 'em away." "You need a cup when using the coffee machine because if you don't they'll be an almighty mess." "No, we don't do food because if we did we'd have to charge more for entry." "Would you like to buy a postcard of the exhibition to send to your nan? If you don't you might only get a fiver in your birthday card next year."

It's a pleasant distraction though. I like Consequence Man. However, he is soon ushered away from my psyche by a lady who enters the exhibition. I recognise her but like a defiant lapel I just can't pin her down. It was only when she starts chatting with Consequence Man that the lady penny drops and I can't believe my luck!

I've been suffering all week from a bizarre body rash and the doctor I saw at the beginning of the week had prescribed potions that just weren't shifting it. Moreover, the itching was actually getting worse.

It was her! The doctor! She'd come to me in my hour of need! Quel Coincidence!

I bound over to confront her on the issue when quick as a flash Consequence Man swoops in between us and pulls me to one side. "Don't do it. Leave her alone. If you approach her in public about your ailment it will ruin her visit. Don't forget it's a Friday too. You of all people should respect people's wishes to be free of working matters on said day."

It was a fair point well made. I give myself a good scratch and return to the house in the woods.