Summer Assault

British Summertime officially begins ion the 31st of this month – two days time. But what about elsewhere?

When does it start in Spain for instance (I'd imagine Juan month earlier)? Or how about in Germany, Greenland and Ghana? And why does Summertime start in Spring? And who decided on the date? The Christians? Or some other bland 80s band?

At least it means the Summer Sales will be on. On Sunday HMV are offering the entire back catalogue of Donna Summers on CD for £31, the film 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' on DVD for 31pence and in Yorkshire branches – Summert else for nowt.

How To Combat Stage Fright

I'm on stage. All eyes are on me. And ears. And possibly the odd nose, picking up the odour of sweat defeating Sure for Men in the battlefield arenas that are my armpits. I decide I need a focal point - something to focus upon and steady myself as I address the audience (which in itself is a tough task seeing as there's about 50 people in tonight and I'm not exactly sure where all of them live).

Idiotically I choose a fly as my focal point. It happened to be reasonably still at the time, resting up to on Will Ord's shoulder to do that rubbing hands thing they sometimes do. Within seconds, however, it is flitting about the room like Speedy Gonzales on Speed. 

I thought of a different tact to calm the nerves. My old favourite - to imagine the audience as mere skeletons, devoid of thought or opinion, until I finish when they will magically grow back organs, veins and skin and go wild in appreciation of my prose. Unfortunately, I remembered I'd watched Jason and the Argonauts the other day and the skeletons in it had really freaked me out so tonight it could actually make things worse.

Another technique is to just say 'Sorry' and leave the stage but everyone has paid a fiver for tonight and I'd feel compelled to offer refunds which would mean not having enough money to enrol on that course about calming stage nerves I've had my eye on.

It is only after the show that I realise I should have pretended nerves was just all part of the act. Fiendish. "Here's a poem called 'I Wandered Around The Stage Lonely As A Bag Of Nerves'. Here's a poem called 'All The World's Watching Me Die On Stage'. Here's a poem called 'I'm So F F F F F F Fucking Nervous' etc ...

Dream Advice For The 15th Of March

Had an awful dream last night. I was eating a Caesar Salad in an Italian restaurant when suddenly everyone else eating there got their arses out and waved them in my face. I ignored it and carried on with my salad. Then when the waiter came to take my plate away he took my knife in his hand and plundered it into me eight times. As I lay dying in a pool of my own blood I realised the arses were trying to warn me. 

If you ever have this dream, on this particular day, my advice would be to just get the hell out of the restaurant as soon as you see those arses. In other words – 'Beware the Hides of March'.

Stephen's Funniest Imposter

For an upcoming 'Funny Way With Words' live show I needed a prop. In particular, a cardboard cut out of Stephen Fry's face. However, instead of googling Stephen I thought it would be much funnier to use someone else's face and pretend it's Stephens. But whose face would be best?

Only one contender ...

Poem Postponement Annoucement

I decided I'd write a poem today to celebrate the beginning of March. March, as it so often does, has taken me by complete surprise and I wanted this to be the central theme of my poem. However, all I have managed to date is:

Jan and Harry loved January

I mean, it's a great line, but it lacks 'Marchness' and, indeed, focuses on a completely different month. Not only that it is about love rather than surprise. Thing is, I like it so much I'm going to wait ten months for it to be topical and carry on with it then.