An Ode to Renting

I wake abnormally early
And check my diary for the day
'Phone electrician'
We've just bought a house
And so it begins.

Beep Rant

I'd stick beeps in Room 101. The beeps that punctuate our everyday existence. The beep which deafens you if you don't put your seat belt on, alarm beeps, text beeps, announcement beeps, washing machine beeps, computer beeps, roadrunner beeps, beeps and tatties, Uriah Beep, beep years, Beep Out signs, Beep-bop-a-lula she's my baby etc…

The Death of Eavesdropping

On the 15.28 to Banbury (stopping at nowhere but Banbury) I become self-conscious that people are listening in to the conversation I'm having with an old work colleague across the aisle. A quick look round however reveals I have nothing to worry about.

Sylvia Fox, next to me, is listening to One Dimension on her iNano Invader; Abdul Shar, next to the old work colleague, is engrossed by an episode of Friends Reunited on his stolen laptop (he didn't steal it - his mate Jimmy Sideways did - though he told Abdul he got it off ebay for a hundred and fifty sheets); Mike Scott and his wife Sandra, a seat ahead of us are reminiscing about seeing Frank Skinner in Oxford Street H&M the day before; and Bill Bridlestone behind us is asleep and dreaming of taking a cruise on a boat made out of sick.

How Deep Is Your Heat?

Waking up with a bad back is an occupational hazard for quadragenarians. They say life begins at forty but 'they' actually mean 'backache' not 'life'. An uncomfortable trip to the chemist was in order this morning. 

'They' recommended Deep Heat. I laughed. Deep Heat! An erotic horror movie of the 80s. Deep Heat! Right Guard for invalids. Deep Heat! Conjuring up the aroma of football changing rooms pre half-time oranges. 

Indeed, I hadn't used Deep Heat since 1984 when Mr Baker ordered me to put some on my metatarsal before a 1-1 draw with St.Chads. A disgraceful result seeing we had beaten them 12 - 0 the year before.

Anyhow, after my initial derision, I ended up buying it and, blow me down sideways, it worked! It smelt like vampire mouthwash but it worked. Can't wait now until I'm 50 and it's time to get the Ralgex out.