An Exercise In Shoehorning Tree-related Words Into A Review Of An Exhibition Featuring Trees

Ghost Forest at The Pit Rivers Museum
9 July 2010 - 31 July 2011

An exhibition of huge tree trunks from deepest Africa. Good to see the Pit Rivers Museum branching outdoors with their events. At the exhibition's root is climate change and deforestation. Although we've finally twigged what we're doing to the world we're still sapping the planets resources. Any budding news junkie can simply leaf through a paper to see evidence of how barking mad we still are. It's nuts!

Though this is the message the exhibition still blossoms with the beauty of these stumps. It's fruitful to spend time amongst these dead trees though the plinths they sit on could do with some sprucing up. All in all a thought-provoking exhibition that should prove very poplar and have people pining for more. Yew'll love it.

Huge Benjamin And His Massive Hands

Standing outdoors in the cold with a pint and me old mucka Mr King for company. To our left is possibly the most famous clock in the world. No, not the one out of Countdown. No, not one of the surreal melted one's that the Dalai Lama painted. No, not the stopped one in Withnail which still tells the right time twice a day. And no, not the one that gets stolen in a 1980 episode of Terry and June, 'Too Catch A Thief' (my personal favourite all-time episode).

No, I'm talking about the grand old thing in London that goes by the name of Big Ben. The one we all lied that our watches were timed by at school in the eighties.

Two things here spring to mind. How can we be sure Big Ben is telling us the right time? And secondly, why is it called 'Big Ben'?

Now, for the later we could just Google the answer, but instead maybe we should do something else? Maybe we should knock on our old neighbour's front door and ask them if they know. They may then invite us in for a cup of tea and tell us other things like how they made soap in their youth or about how they murdered someone in the 50s and how the body has never been found. In this situation though I suggest politely leaving and informing the police at your earliest convenience.

A Life Or Death Sandwich

Driving into the modest Cotswold Mecca that is Chipping Norton I find myself in a most unusual situation.

I am sandwiched between a hearse in front of me and an ambulance behind. I can't help but devise a scenario.

Imagine if the ambulance driver became distracted by a text message from his nan and drove into the back of me, smashing me into the hearse in front. I go through the windscreen and end up sprawled on my bonnet gasping for life. A critical state yet strangely fortunate. If I survive I have an instant ambulance to whisk me quickly to hospital and life support. On the other hand if I snuff it at least they can just carry me into the hearse and get me buried nice and quick. All neatly done before the Autumn Sales.

Who The Hell Needs Time Out Magazine?

I've acquired myself a new hobby. It's called 'Visiting museums but just hanging about outside instead of going in.' Today I visited the Natural History Museum in London Town and saw the following exhibits:

Exhibit 1
An Hispanic youth lying prostrate on a brick wall, idly stoking the hair of his girlfriend whilst she sat on a bench below him chatting expressively to a friend

Exhibit 2
A blue overall clad bin man emptying a bin and being told by a passing member of staff "At least it's Friday". To which he replied, "That doesn't mean anything to me mate."

Exhibit 3
A Muntjac statue nestled high in the building's facade

Exhibit 4
A white plastic bag flying around in the breeze like in that film 'American Moody Kid' where a moody kid films a white plastic bag flying about in the wind

Exhibit 5
A painfully thin yet über cool and beautiful couple smoking Gitanes and kissing between drags

Exhibit 6
A hazy sun

Exhibit 7
A Chinese man eating Pringles

Next Week: Outside The Museum Erotica in Copenhagen

Squiggle Over The River Evenlode

Katie Q told me over the blower today, "There's no such thing as bad weather, just a bad choice in clothing." I remember Sean Connery also saying this once in a Bond movie before making love to a girl with five tones lighter skin than his.

T'was absolutely belting it down out there. A thick leather belt full of outrageous bling and swashbuckling buckle. I'm ashamed to admit the rain was influencing my decision not to go for an afternoon walk along the riverside. In my defence however, it wasn't just the rain.

I was battling with what to do with a middle eight on a new song. Actually, it's a middle four. Actually, I'm not sure what it is. It's a tiny section of the song that isn't a verse or a chorus. It could be a bridge but I think a bridge always leads into a chorus and this doesn't. It leads into a verse. Maybe it's a small bridge like a footbridge or a bridge a baby would draw that just looks like a squiggle. In fact that'll do. I'll call it a squiggle! I like that. Sounds absurd but it could catch on. I can just imagine four years down the line Morrissey talking about a 'squiggle' in an interview with NME:

"Yeah, I got really stuck with the squiggle on that song so I got Johnny Marr to come in and do it. We're definitely not reforming though. He said he'd just record the squiggle for old times sake. I'll probably get Slash to come in to do it live (laughs out loud)."