Just spent four marvellous days in a yurt. Can't tell you where or I'll have to kill everybody. People call staying in a yurt 'glamping' but I prefer to call it 'staying in a yurt'. Glamping implies reading Vogue and listening to T-Rex whilst having a make-over from a girl called Sabrina. There was none of that where we stayed, although one night I did get my nail clippers out.
Today we find ourselves staying in a hotel. There's no fire or wood burner here. No candles, no gas burner to make tea, no field's to roam in, no river to dip in, no barbecue to light, no hammock to chillax in, no transparent roof to stargaze through.
But on the other hand there is an empty mini-fridge, a trouser press, a bible, a DVD player, fire alarm and a fine view of empty crates and bins in hotel's backyard so it's not all gloom and doom.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Shelfish Thinking
Can you buy shelves that attach to walls without the need for drilling holes or using some ridiculous glue?
I know how to drill holes and I have a drill that can drill holes. I don't actually want to put a shelf up but I'm sitting on the toilet today wondering if there is such a shelf.
Science has made giant strides over the last few centuries but, to my knowledge, man has still not conquered the conundrum of instant, hole or adhesive-free shelving. Some kind of magical magnetic device perhaps?
I'm not really that bothered but if there was something out there and somebody in the Rose and Crown told me about it I'd definitely not completely glaze over as if they were talking about six nations rugby.
I know how to drill holes and I have a drill that can drill holes. I don't actually want to put a shelf up but I'm sitting on the toilet today wondering if there is such a shelf.
Science has made giant strides over the last few centuries but, to my knowledge, man has still not conquered the conundrum of instant, hole or adhesive-free shelving. Some kind of magical magnetic device perhaps?
I'm not really that bothered but if there was something out there and somebody in the Rose and Crown told me about it I'd definitely not completely glaze over as if they were talking about six nations rugby.
Friday, September 16, 2011
5 Seconds At The Egg Throwing Competition
The crowd is fairly static but as the egg is hurtled towards me I feel faces closing in. All eyes are now on me. All apart from Daniel Blatter's.
This fat little toodler doesn't seem at all bothered whether I catch the egg or not. Just before the egg was thrown he had become transfixed by something else. A sand-coloured Cocker Spaniel with something in it's mouth. It's wasn't a bone but it does rhyme with 'bone'. It was a phone.
This fat little toodler doesn't seem at all bothered whether I catch the egg or not. Just before the egg was thrown he had become transfixed by something else. A sand-coloured Cocker Spaniel with something in it's mouth. It's wasn't a bone but it does rhyme with 'bone'. It was a phone.
Someone in the crowd had dropped their phone. The Cocker Spaniel had picked it up and fat little Daniel Blatter had noticed.
He tugs at his father's leg but Des Blatter is too busy watching the egg travel through the air. Des puts one hand on his son's head with a certain firmness Daniel has learnt to mean "Do not bother daddy with this. Daddy is busy." Daniel quickly turns his attention to the falling egg.
I catch the egg.
The crowd cheer.
Daniel forgets about the dog.
The competition continues.
He tugs at his father's leg but Des Blatter is too busy watching the egg travel through the air. Des puts one hand on his son's head with a certain firmness Daniel has learnt to mean "Do not bother daddy with this. Daddy is busy." Daniel quickly turns his attention to the falling egg.
I catch the egg.
The crowd cheer.
Daniel forgets about the dog.
The competition continues.
Friday, September 09, 2011
Cycle Death Epitaph
"IDIOT MEATHEADS!" I'm having a rant whilst on a cycle ride. Predictably it's about cars and their drivers. Nissan Spritzers and Fiat Hercules's bomb past me on a winding B-road as if I'm some kind of hologram bereft of human vulnerability. They're desperately rushing home to begin their weekends oblivious to the fact that I'm already trying to enjoy mine. Selfish swines.
I need a pint to calm down. I text Ben, 'Pint?'. Obviously I pull up by a hedge to do this. I don't cycle and text, unless of course I'm freewheeling down an ever-deserted narrow country lane and I've just seen a scarecrow that looks exactly like Ralph Fiennes.
I rejoin the road and, as I'm almost hit by another crazed maniac in a Mercedes Ravashé, I am hit by the thought that if I was knocked to my death by one of these dreadful motorcars my last uttering on this mortal coil, albeit in text form, would be 'Pint?'.
I like the idea of this. It puts a smile back on my face. What could be a heartier, humbler and more optimistic swansong?
I need a pint to calm down. I text Ben, 'Pint?'. Obviously I pull up by a hedge to do this. I don't cycle and text, unless of course I'm freewheeling down an ever-deserted narrow country lane and I've just seen a scarecrow that looks exactly like Ralph Fiennes.
I rejoin the road and, as I'm almost hit by another crazed maniac in a Mercedes Ravashé, I am hit by the thought that if I was knocked to my death by one of these dreadful motorcars my last uttering on this mortal coil, albeit in text form, would be 'Pint?'.
I like the idea of this. It puts a smile back on my face. What could be a heartier, humbler and more optimistic swansong?
Friday, September 02, 2011
A Haybale For One
Fluffy white clouds. Just like that Orb song. 22 years old that song! "Jesus, where did all that time go?" It's rhetorical. I don't want an answer. If I did I probably wouldn't ask Jesus. My dad would be a better bet or my mate Chris Hill.
The perfect place to view fluffy white clouds is sat against a round haybale overlooking a dreamy valley, and that's exactly where I find myself.
The original mission was a 4 mile swagger through the countryside, furnished with wildlife sightings and concerns of what I may have in the fridge for supper – but I just couldn't resist the invitation of the haybale.
The perfect place to view fluffy white clouds is sat against a round haybale overlooking a dreamy valley, and that's exactly where I find myself.
The original mission was a 4 mile swagger through the countryside, furnished with wildlife sightings and concerns of what I may have in the fridge for supper – but I just couldn't resist the invitation of the haybale.
DEAR COUNTRY SWAGGERER
YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO JOIN ME FOR AN HOUR OR SO ON FRIDAY 2 SEPTEMBER AT 3.44PM
THEY WILL BE A FLUFFY CLOUD SPREAD
BUT PLEASE BRING YOUR OWN WATER.
DRESS CODE: SAFARI SLACKER
RECORDING EQUIPMENT AND FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY STRICTLY PROHIBITED
NO NEED TO RSVP – JUST TURN UP
YOURS HAYFULLY
CIRCULAR HAY BALE
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)