Obsessive Compulsive Texting Disorder

Thank the Lord I turned my phone off before I went to Nodsville last night. On turning it on this morning I was greeted with eighteen text messages, sent during the night. Eighteen! All from the same hetrotextual.

I am currently engaged in a frenzied menage-a-trois of text tennis. Our challenge is to think up hypothetical tribute band names. This morning's eighteen attempts ranged from the very good (Supergraft) to the desperately poor (Quornashop).

Between us we have already accumulated over 350 names. We hope to release the list in pamphlet form, sometime later in the year.

Soduko This For A Game Of Soldiers

The 6.15 Waterloo service to Norwich. The lady next to me is playing Soduko. I have never ventured to find out it's rules, or indeed, what people get from it. I decide now is the moment.

"Excuse me fellow passenger, what are the rules and what do you get from playing it?"
She patiently explains the rules (which I forget within 10 seconds of being told) and tells me what she gets from it:
"It helps keep the brain ticking over."
I ask if she's ever played the dice game, Yahtzee, or been to the Scilly Isles.
"Have you ever played the dice game Yahtzee?"
"No, can't say I have."
"Have you ever been to the Scilly Isles?"
"No, I haven't."
"Well, I recommend you go to the Scilly Isles and play Yahtzee while you're there."

She laughs out loud at my suggestion, tells me I'm funny and then returns to her Soduko. I recline, sip on my tin of Adnam's Best Bitter and all is well with the world.

The Great Google Doodle Challenge

A friend once complained, "It so annoys me when Google change their logo for the day." As you will be aware they do this to commemorate certain events or anniversaries. They are called Google Doodles. I can't say it annoys me. In fact, I like how it breaks away from the stringent, corporate rules of most logos.

Today, being a Friday, I had a bit of spare time on my hands so came up with my own Google doodle. It would be to commemorate the creation of the game 'hangman'. And could handily double up as a viral anti-ecstasy campaign.

The 2012 Comedian Handouts Act

A stand-up comedy night in a curry house. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.

Post-stand-up comedy night conversations generally go like so:

"How was the comedy night?"
"Brilliant. Some great gags."
"Tell us one then?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Forgotten them all." 

"Every one?"

"Yep."
"Oh Well. Pint?"
"Pint."

The problem is there's always so many gags that, despite spending most the evening spitting out under-par lager in over-the-top hysterics, one cannot for the life of one remember any of them.

Therefore, comedians should be forced, by law, to present us with handouts of their gags at the end of the show, in order that we can be more entertaining and erudite with our post-stand-up comedy conversations.

Anyway back to tonight and I couldn't resist a heckle:
"Gheesus! My nan could right better jokes than these. If I were you mate I'd make a balti for the door and let the next comedian cumin."