Hilarious Glastonbury Text Message Fails To Be Hilarious

My friends are at Glastonbury. As every year, I pretend for a few days I'm not bothered not to be there with them, before bombarding them with text messages; trying to somehow experience it all through their sparse responses. 

To feel even more connected, I thought I'd work as an informant this year, supplying them with a breaking news service; keeping my eye close to the Internet coverage.

Glastonbury is always a rumour mill: The Four Living Criminals are playing with Driller Killers on the Aled Jones Stage NOW; Sid Vicious has returned from the grave and is playing with John Lydon in a tribute of their own band, called 'The Ex-Pistols'.

I thought I'd have a bit of fun with this and text them some hilarious bogus rumours. Unfortunately though, I wasn't really on form today and the best I could come up with was:

The Boo Radleys are backing Paul Hardcastle on the Heinz Has Beens Stage.

Not my best work, it must be said.

The Longest Friday

I read somewhere or other that it was the longest day today. But how can one day be any longer than any other? Surely all days are twenty-four hours long?

I concurred that this 'longest day' malarkey is nothing but a myth; possibly dreamt up by those in power, as a way of fooling us into thinking we have more time, and thus, giving the bosses license to make us work for longer today and get more out of us.

My advice, therefore, would be to always take this 'supposed' longest day of the year off as holiday. Probably be a scorcher too; and if you happen to be a pagan you'll have the added bonus of getting into Alton Towers for half price, under their discount scheme for religious people celebrating notable days in the calendar. 

Atheists have been complaining and lobbying the government about this scheme but, as yet, all Cameron has said on the matter is, 'The discount policies of amusement parks are under government review.' This is exactly what John Major was saying in the early nineties. I think the atheists are in for a long wait with this one.

Three Inner Gag Gum Gums

I can't actually remember when I stopped being terrified of the dentist. It was probably in my late twenties, when I realised you can't actually die in there.

I still feel uncomfortable with it all, so have invented a game I play called 'Three Inner Gag Gum Gums.' It's basically a distraction technique: before entering the building I imagine three scenarios that are likely to arise; and then, when these scenarios do arise, I have a humorous response lined up for each of them, to play out in my head.    

For example, today's three scenarios and imagined reactions were thus:

1. When the receptionist said, 'Please take a seat', I imagined heaving myself up onto the reception desk to sit cross-legged, facing her.
2. When the dentist said, 'Open wide', I imagined stretching my legs out as far as they could go
3. When the dentist started dictating dental references and numbers to his assistant, I imagined saying 'Are you two playing Battleships?'

If you are particularly brave you could even act them out, rather than keeping them as inner thoughts; in which case you would be playing 'Three Gag Gum Gums'. 

Bye Bye Bad Throat

Strepsils. I was desperate for Strepsils. It was 3am. I'd woken, mid-dream, to an awful feeling in the throat. Dry as hell; sore as purgatory. I fervently searched in cupboards and drawers, but there's only so much searching you can do at 3am: too much and you are suddenly wide awake and unable to wrestle back into sleep. 

I settled for Night Nurse; the added bonus being it's drowsy effects would alleviate some of my worries of regaining sleep. It took me a while for my throat to settle but I slowly regained unconsciousness.

In the morning I woke with no pain. Thankfully, as I was off to see the Stone Roses play at Finsbury Park; a clean bill of health a requirement for such an undertaking. Okay, Ian may not be the best singer in the world but nothing he sang during the gig reminded me of that horrific moment the previous night. It just goes to prove what a damn fine band they truly are.