Buy Now – Don't Pay Later

Okay, I've learnt my lesson. I should have bought it when I first saw it. 'It' was an old, battered, chipped, charming, wooden, character-laden desk tidy in the local antiques shop. It was only a tenner. I just thought, 'Perhaps I'll buy it next time.'

Today was next time and, of course, it had gone. Sold to someone more decisive than me. I'm not a materialistic person – I've never been beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise, for example – but I think that this particular item could have improved the quality of my desk life by a good 14%.

No more, I tell thee. From now on, I will have a '£10 impulse-buy-rule'. Anything a tenner or under, which takes my fancy will be instantly purchased; unless it's cheese. I'm trying to lose weight. Cheese really doesn't help.

My desk - a reconstruction

Sugar Caned

Someone came round today.
I asked them if they wanted a cuppa.
They replied, 'Yes please, milk and three sugars'.
I said to them, 'Blimey, do you want any tea in your sugar?'
I can be very cutting at times.

The Money Shot

£8 in one pence pieces

£10 in two pence pieces
£15 in five pence pieces
£25 in ten pence pieces
£30 in twenty pence pieces
Yep, it was that time of year again.

Ode To A Friend

I had no money for the pub
A friend called and said,
'Come to the pub'
I said,
'I have no money for the pub'
I ended up in the pub.

Halloween Be Thy Name

There were a few bonfire parties going on tonight but I didn't make it out to any of them. Last night, I was visited by trick-or-treaters; a woman and her three small children. They had taken me completely by surprise – I had nothing in – so other than offer them Oxo cubes or some Fennel tea, I had to plump for 'trick'.

Trust my luck it happened to be David Blaine's wife and kids. I'm just hoping they let me out of whatever I'm trapped in at some stage in the not too distant future.