Age Detection In The 21st Century

How do you find out if a Co-op shop assistant is over 18? Easy. Put a bottle of booze (any booze) in your basket. Before they put it through the till, if they hold it up and call out towards a colleague, “Alcohol, Martin” and wait for either a "that’s fine", a "yep" or a simple and authorative nod then safely assume said assistant is under 18 years of age.

A Serious Note On Gravy Granules

Archivists and weather freaks will remember this day last year was an absolute scorcher. Today, however, was a typical April’s day. Showers, sun, cloud, hail, wind, quacking ducks, ambient Brain Eno followed by a 25-piece-orchestra-full on-symphony-horror-soundtrack, a broken daffodil, lamb song.

This all meant one thing – a pie and mash supper. But there is always a quandary with a pie and mash supper – the gravy.

There will be no meat juices to siphon off, so it’s either the stock cube/flour/wine method or gravy granules. I kicked Bisto in to touch five years ago. I was never a heavy user – more of a social granuler. The turning point came when I poisoned myself with Bisto Turkey granules. It tasted like French cat food. Never again. "Bisto be gone and do not darken my plate again."

For tonight, I had purchased something new – Marigold Vegetarian Organic Gravy Powder. It’s actually not too bad. Good even. Here’s a link to their website: www.marigoldhealthfoods.com

No funny punchline today. Just a handy recommendation for gravy granules. A useful blog rather than me just yaking on about shit. Bon appetit.

Here Horror Here

Friday the 13th. Don't think I've ever actually seen the film. Is that the one about a guy with no face called Jason? Or is that 'Halloween'?

I've never seen 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' either. Or 'Titanic'. Or any of the Harry Potter films.

However, I have seen 'Withnail and I' 83 times.

I've also seen 'The Wickerman' 14 times, 'Spinal Tap' at least 10 times, 'The Big Lebowski' 7 times, 'Sleepy Hollow' 5 times and the first hour of 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang'.

Legume Fundamentalism

I've lost my allotment. Must have fell out my pocket or something. Most displeased. I loved it.

Despite this major setback I have decided to 'carry on regardless' (starring Sid James and Alan Titmarsh) and germinate my seeds as usual. Perhaps by taking this positive approach I will be rewarded by fate dealing me a new allotment in the coming months. An administrative error, pushing me to the top of the waiting list, over Dorothy Taylor-Baxter and Barry Academis.

If not, I could just give my seedlings away to human beings with garden space or, even better, plant them out on public land - a kind of vegetable terrorism. Fuck the system, I'm gonna plant this anyway. Watch your backs next time you're on Nine Acre's Park - there may well be an explosion of lamb's lettuce leaves when you least expect it.