Tolkien's Unfinished Classic Revealed

It's as if I've walked in to the set of an 'Apocalypse Now' sequel - 'Apocalypse Later' perhaps? A sleepy hollow within Blair Witch woods.

Ropes hang from almost every tree and tied to these ropes are the bones of innocent ramblers, skinned alive by a heinous goblin from an aborted Tolkien story. Mist swoops in from the west. Rural Dickensian atmosphere takes a hold. A bead of sweat charges my brow. Silence.

"Hold on a minute. These aren't bones - they're shaved tree branches! Oh I get it - they're swings made by the kids who do bushcraft courses here."

A quick look around for human approach tests negative and I'm up on one of the swings and twisting about like a demented 6-year-old coming up on Jelly Tots. At the peak of my enjoyment and on the verge of breaking into song ('Inbetween Days' by The Cure' incidentally) he rises menacingly from a pile of rotting leaves – the heinous goblin.

"Oldest trick in the book" he snarls. "Replace the bones with shaven tree branches and see how the innocent rambler takes to the bait."

"I don't fear you goblin, you're just a figment of Tolkien's imagination – and an aborted one at that" I retort.

"In which case you are also a figment of his imagination. You must be part of his aborted story too " the goblin volleys back.

I decide to stall this tricky situation with diversion tactics. "What was this story to be called?" I ask.

"Goblin Bastard."

"And how far did Tolkien get with it?"

"As far as this bit."

"So what happens next?"

"I dunno. I suppose we wait and see if anyone ever finishes it."

"Pint?"

"Pint."