Corporate Dining Gag

What did one hungry horse say to the other hungry horse?

Fancy Harvesters tonight?

Still LIfe With Glass And Surf

The Tate gallery in St Ives is a unique place. Set just back from the beach, the floor inside is home to many a grain of sand. You don't have to get out of your wetsuit to come inside. You can surf a wave, pop in to see some Vincent Van Billabong and then jump back into the sea, suitably inspired to ride another wave.

To be honest, today's exhibitions were a tad disappointing – no Vincent Van Billabong for starters – but the best exhibit here is actually a permanent fixture. On the second floor there is a huge glass-fronted curved facade with a sublime view of the beach and the ocean beyond. However, there's no sign to say what the piece is called or who the artist is. God? E.T.? Evolution? Damien Hirst? Or possibly a collaboration by all four. When I asked a member of staff who it was by she pulled a hamster out of her bra and pirouetted to an internal telephone where she puked up orange paint all over the handset.

It's coming to something when gallery staff's responses to public's questions are art in themselves. Shit art at that.

Top 11 (see what I did there?) Places I've Never Been To

Where haven't you been? People often ask 'where have you been?' But, 'where haven't you been' is just as intriguing and often surprising.

I decided to compile my own 'Top 11 (see what I did there?) Places I've Never Been To' list. I am contemplating selling this idea to Observer magazine, so for now please keep the concept to yourselves.

Top 11 (see what I did there?) Places I've Never Been To:

1. Ireland
2. South America
3. Madame Tussauds
4. Barcelona
5. The Isles Of Scilly
6. Lidl
7. White Hart Lane
8. Scandinavia
9. Dave Oates's house
10. Cardiff
11. Prison

A £37 Glass Of Prosecco

Wilderness Festival. I paid an extra £30 to use the outdoor spa area. The hot tubs were already full; the sauna was impossible to get in; if I wanted a drink I had to pay £7 for a small glass of Prosecco; I swam in the lake but I could have done this anywhere in the festival for free (well, I say free: obviously I paid for a festival ticket, but you get my drift).

This is not a complaint. It was my choice to pay an extra £30 to get into this privileged area. Didn't have to. And I'm sure many people enjoyed it and got their money's worth.

The point I'm making here, if there is one, is at least I could afford to have the choice and, despite my disappointment, I should be grateful for that. However, I've learnt my lesson and won't make the same £30 mistake next year.

People who whinge about feeling like they have 'wasted' money on disappointing luxury experiences in life should remember what Gandhi once said, 'He who feeds the tiger will walk in the light, he who dresses the tiger in a paisley blouse from Kensington market shall forever stumble about in darkness.'

What I Got Up To This Friday

Forgotten.